Contrary to popular belief, I do have a heart and I do have emotions. In December, I matched with Aaron, a professional working in finance in the city. (I was still in school at the time.)
The first time I met Aaron, it wasn’t a classy night. We went out with other people, got drunk, and did the deed the first night. (I know, right? I KNOW.) Aaron told me from the very beginning that he wasn’t interested in a relationship and didn’t want anything serious, but as time went on, we started to get to know each other, spend time together, and I started to have some serious feelings for this man. We surfed together, cooked together, and watched our favorite TV shows together. (And he was awesome in bed too which is quite contrary from many of my stories here..)I ended up staying at his place for half the week because his place was close to my job, and it started to feel like we were a real couple to me. He was my best friend.
Long story short, things didn’t work out between us and I was now stuck in a city where the only person I knew was a former sex partner turned quasi roommate turned awkward friend.
I moved up to the city (how convenient, I am finally closer to him) for work and even more recently I found out that he went out and slept with another girl from Tinder the same night het met her. (I’m hoping that I am slightly funnier and wittier than her even though we both banged this guy the first night we met.)
Although this seems like a bleak story, there are things that I have learned from this disappointment that nothing else could teach me. There is nothing like investing into somebody who never felt the same way about you the entire time. It’s hurtful, it’s eye opening, and it teaches you a lot. Here are some things that I have learned from Aaron that I owe to him.
- There is only a certain amount of time you can give to somebody without getting anything in return. We are not unconditional beings. The kind of romantic love you can give to somebody can only go so far before you feel disappointed and crushed that those feelings are not returned. There comes a time where you have to realize that continuing to love without giving back is only hurting yourself. Give yourself some self respect and find somebody who loves you the way you need to be loved.
- Don’t stay with somebody out of comfort or fear of the future. I think I realized two months into dating Aaron that he wasn’t somebody I could be with long term. There were characteristics of both of our personalities that weren’t compatible, and I often fell asleep feeling alone and detached, even though he was physically right next to me. (On his back snoring at times.) I was so terrified of tackling this new place on my own, not knowing anybody, and I clung to the comfort of having familiarity although I was not happy. I am still alone. I still don’t know many people, but at least I can contribute my discomfort on my own decisions, not the decisions of somebody else.
- Do not lower your expectations of romance when he stops putting in effort. There came a time when Aaron stopped pursuing me like he used to. He used to plan dates, find fun spots and things to do, and it was all part of the honeymoon stage where we were infatuated with one another. As soon as he felt comfortable with me, it became more and more of me cooking at home and me feeling left out when we went out with his friends. I would justify this by telling myself that girls place too high of expectations on men when it comes to romance, and that I should be cool about it. While this is true and while Instagram and Facebook often give us skewed ideas of how everyone else is celebrating their passionate love with flowers, sunsets and coffee art, when a guy likes you and wants you to feel special, he will let you know. While there is comfort in routine and not having to show elaborate displays of affection, don’t ever downplay your yearning for love and affection to be shown.
- Love who you are without your significant other. If his insecurities and my insecurities have taught me anything, it is that loving yourself with or without somebody gives off a radiance that no one night stand or Tinder match can. Loving yourself doesn’t just mean you think you are pretty, but it means that you treat yourself with respect and dignity to not bend over backwards for somebody who wouldn’t budge an inch for you. Don’t be afraid to give to somebody, but don’t give up everything for just anyone.
I hope these words of advice can be something you can relate to. As i write this post, I am still single, I am alone, but I’m not lonely. There are times when I crave Aaron’s company and the familiarity of him, but that’s when you have to say goodbye to the person you once knew and start accepting the fact that your relationship will be different. I didn’t have a heartbreak, but I had a heartache. But that just means more Tinder dates and more crazy stories for you guys, amiright?!